Standing in playgroup, near the kitchen set,
The conversation is getting heated- which role will I get?
‘’I get to be the mommy’’ I say, but Leah remains firm,
“You were the mommy last time- now it's my turn!”
Only three years old, we don't know that much,
But we already possess dreams, our little fingers tightly clutch.
We have our eye on the prize and our hearts are set,
On being the mommy, the best role one can get.
I want to be a mommy, cuz I want to hold the world in my hands,
I want to be a mommy, and be the only one who really understands.
I want to be a mommy and get to make a room feel safe- like no one else could,
I want to be a mommy and be the greatest force of good.
I want to be like a real mommy, even just for a short game,
I want to rock a baby in my arms and sing a lullaby with his name.
I want to be a mommy and take care of my baby with so much care,
I want to be a mommy, someone who’s always there.
Standing in my new apartment, in my new tiny kitchen,
Just nineteen and newlywed, excited for life to begin
I look at my husband, and I look around the room,
Seeds of hope, joy and anticipation fill my heart and start to bloom.
Our very own house, which we’ll make into a home,
I’m so happy I’ll be building with you; I know I’m never alone.
“We even have a spare bedroom!” I tell him with a smile,
“Imyirtzeh hashem it shouldn’t be a spare in a short while.”
I want to be a mommy and give in the ultimate way,
“I want to be a mommy.” I hear myself say.
I want to be a mommy and feel my heart grow,
To fit all the love a mommy has, that only a mommy comes to know.
Time dances by, it’s been ten months, in my now used kitchen,
But now there’s me and my husband plus someone in my belly kickin.
There’s an energy in our home, an excited buzz, so lovely and warm
We are having a baby, our very own, in just three months he’ll be born.
It’s the topic that surrounds almost our every conversation,
It’s what we think, smile, breath about with ecstatic anticipation!
We dream about meeting him, wrapping him up and bringing him home,
We dream about how it will feel to have one of our very own.
We wonder who he’ll look like, I say “I hope he’s just like you.”
We laugh about who gets the job of diaper changing and waking up each hour or two.
We joke about what we’ll name him, and how cute it’ll be,
When we’ll also get the new name of “mommy and tatty.”
Standing in my kitchen, as Hatzolah rushes through my door,
Our hopes and dreams seem to rush out too, we can hardly see them anymore.
That day my water broke, and blood leaks out, but so much more has shattered
My heart broke, tears leak out, my dreams now bruised and battered.
I want to be a mommy and watch life blossom before my eyes,
I want to be a mommy; how can I watch as my baby dies?
I want to be a mommy, I want my baby to feel my love,
“Can I please be a mommy?” I beg my father above.
I’m standing in my kitchen, it’s been two weeks since I’ve been here,
Everything looks the same, but we know things are not as they appear.
I look around at our home and my tears begin to pour,
My milk and bottles fill the room, yet who is it all for?
How strange does this look? This house doesn’t even hold a baby,
I gave birth, yet left empty handed, just my husband and me.
My baby so small, left in an incubator of glass,
We don’t know when he’ll come home, my heart breaks in half.
I am a mommy? But my arms are empty.
I am a mommy? So where is my baby?
Am I a mommy? Where is this child of mine?
Am I a mommy? Then show me a sign.
Cuz I’m not a mommy, who can rock her baby good night,
I’m not a mommy who can hug her baby so tight.
I’m not a mommy, who can calm her baby’s tears
I’m not the mommy I dreamed to be for so many years.
So, I stand next to your incubator and my heart yearns for you,
I want to be your mommy, if only you knew.
As tears stream down my face, my heart can’t handle the pain,
I then feel someone walking near me, and he calls out my name.
My husband looks me in the eyes, his eyes brimming with care,
I look into his eyes, there’s also so much pain in there.
He says “I want to tell you something, I know how pained you are Rikki,
But you should know you are a mother, just a different kind of mommy.”
“You’re a mommy, who nourishes her baby with prayers made of tears
You’re a mommy who is doing her best to show how much she cares.
You’re a mommy who is fortifying her home with the strength she displays ,
During these hard, trying, painful, heartbreaking days.”
“You’re a mommy who is building a home for her baby to grow up in,
That was built with the tools you gained during this nisayin.
You’re a mommy who once her baby does come home,
Will feel a love which that other mommy never would have known.
By: Rikki Blonder (Greenwald)
