Leil HaSeder is a study in opposites. There is the dichotomy, yet duality, of galus and geulah, servitude and freedom, matzah and maror, versus wine, leaning at the same table as a full Yom Tov seudah, and mem-tes shaarei tumah along with nissim geluyim. That yin-yang feeling of simultaneous suffering and redemption is all too familiar, and it can coexist.
- She tolerated her feeds better today but had too many desat episodes.
- Baruch Hashem, “Ben” is clear regarding NEC, but they’re checking if he may have pneumothorax.
- Made the decision to leave early to the hospital, feeling like a good mommy, but forgot about the nosh for my son’s siyum…
- The blood work came back clear of infection, but we’re concerned about aspiration.
As the Yom Tov of geulah, Pesach brings to mind one of the questions we’re asked after leaving this world: Tzipisah l’yeshuah? Did you await the Final Redemption? But also: Did you await your personal yeshuah with hope, despite the circumstances? Were you davening and yearning, knowing that Hakadosh Baruch Hu can do anything?
SEDER
Seder? What’s that?! Some days it’s hard to know which way is up with all the traveling back and forth to the hospital and surprises your pitzeleh springs on you — any preexisting routines having gone out the window. Our seder seems a bit messed up at this trying time — but Hashem is in charge. This is your “seder” for the time being. Within the disarray, we can find meaning.
The well-known embroidery mashal often hits the spot for me. Our perspective from the underside provides a messy vantage point, replete with knots, seemingly random crisscrossing, and color clashes. Yet, the view from Above presents a magnificent portrait, where every stitch is exactly where it belongs to create the masterpiece.
The Sfas Emes asks why we call the procedure for Leil HaSeder by that name. Seder would typically refer to orderly, predictable events, but here we celebrate a night of the most awesome series of miracles — departures from teva. Our natural order is miraculous, answers the Sfas Emes. We, Klal Yisrael, are l’maalah min hateva. Pesach is the night of nissim, so much so that we do not recite Al Hanissim as we do on Chanukah and Purim, because miracles are the theme of the evening.
We preemie moms are reminded of that at every moment: Our kids are living miracles!
Pesach is also the Yom Tov of emunah. We must believe that whatever we are experiencing is from HaKadosh Baruch Hu, but as well, Hashem is the Kol Yachol. On Leil HaSeder, use that koach of being above nature and the knowledge that Hashem can do anything, to daven that Hashem bring you and your baby to the level of l’maalah min hateva.
One of our mottos at WeeCare Preemies is that every situation is different. And the truth is, every Seder is different. Minhagim vary greatly: Kiddush, together or independently, kittel or not, eggs before the meal, pinky dipping, scallion whipping, and decorating the table with jewelry. But whether your family says Tatte leiben or Misha’arotam…menwan jeyah, whether you find yourself at home or a medical facility, we all follow the same steps of the Seder…
KADEISH
I recall asking my husband one day in the NICU: How do the non-Jews do it? I was so grateful, despite the setting, to be part of a mamleches Kohanim v’goy kadosh. Each Yid is kadosh! You know how speakers will often mention that changing diapers is a holy task? Well, now your task may be a little different, but it doesn’t mean it is any less holy.
Bein Yisrael l’amim: We have countless opportunities to make a kiddush Hashem — whether at home or the hospital.
Don’t forget the brachah of Shehechiyanu, the kavanah of which takes on fresh meaning when having a preemie in mind.
URCHATZ
Washing hands?? Without a brachah? We’re pros!
Okay, granted, it’s usually with soap or some Purell from our gargantuan stash.
But now it’s a mitzvah inherent in the steps of the Seder. Perhaps we should consider all the hand-washing to be steps in the seder of our child’s life.
This Urchatz washing is emblematic of transition. It’s cleansing.
Rabbi Simon Jacobson suggests that the first five steps of the Seder are the first section of the evening, with the objective of getting us out of the toxic and more mundane mindset — and “heartset” — and getting us into a more spiritual place, prepared for Maggid. Think of it as a psychological shift from the concerns, fears, and unknowns, and getting to a place that is more of a spiritual oasis. We’re still affected — but elevated.
KARPAS
What food is quite as versatile as the potato?
Potato, potahtoh — what’s the difference? It all depends on how the vegetable is prepared. Pesach certainly inspires creativity with the already adaptable tuber. It can be presented in so many forms: boiled, fried, and mashed, or baked into gnocchi, latkes, or kugel. Its neutral taste can easily take on various flavor profiles, such as spicy, sweet, and salty.
How versatile are we? What perspective do we take? Do we lean toward the sweet or the bitter?
Tonight is a night of questions. Why do we wash? Why do we dip?
And, oh, do we have questions! When will the PDA finally close? What am I supposed to tell my toddler about the NICU? How long will this extreme tachypnea last? Why RSV? Hasn’t my baby been through enough? Hashem, when will I get sleep?
Harav Moshe Wolfson, zt”l, said that as Yidden, we can most certainly ask, but ultimately, we must believe Hashem has a plan — even when we don’t know all the answers.
Interestingly, the Ben Ish Chai clarifies that although the purpose of Karpas is primarily to arouse the children’s curiosity, Chazal requires us to dip even if no children are present. There is no distinction between the requirements at different Seder tables. No matter the situation, we come back to the source: fulfillment of Hashem’s mitzvos and an emunah-filled Yom Tov.
YACHATZ
Harav Tzvi Hirsch Meisels, the Veitzener Rav, zy”a, says that the middle matzah is representative of the heart. Chazal say that there is nothing so perfect as a broken heart — one shattered by nisyonos, fractured by humility, hurt by overwhelm. We break the middle matzah, subjugating our hearts and deeds to Hashem, recognizing our brokenness.
Oh, there are moments of brokenness. Baby A was just re-intubated, and Baby B is getting a lumbar puncture. Little Tinok’s scan indicated a brain bleed. Mr. Micropreemie was expected to finally be home by Pesach, but it looks like it will still be a while.
Only when we acknowledge the pain and reconnect to the Ribbono shel Olam can we become whole and free. “Hashleich al Hashem yehavcha, v’Hu yechalkelecha — Cast your burden on Hashem, and He will sustain you” (Tehillim 55:23).
MAGGID
Do we have countless stories to tell about the enchanting world of prematurity! But Maggid brings us into an entirely different realm of storytelling. “V’higadeta l’vincha — And you should tell to your son.” An apt line I’ve heard: The world tells their children stories to put them to sleep; we tell our children stories to wake them up.
Even within the hallowed walls of the NICU, tell your babeleh stories. The setting may be different, the wires and tubes an eyesore, the incessant beeping irritating, but sing those Pesach songs and bond as only a Yiddishe mammeh can.
And pray for your munchkin. There are specific places in Maggid to have this in mind. Before Mah Nishtanah, the Haggadah has the words, “Kan haben sho’el — Here the son asks.” We are all children of Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and this is brought down as an opportune time to daven.
Another place is Baruch Hamakom Baruch Hu. Why is the word Makom used here rather than Hashem or Hakadosh Baruch Hu? Rav Shimon Schwab, zt”l, says that “Makom” is a lashon of yagon (anguish) and atzvus (sadness), since we use it at times when one tends to feel despondent and abandoned, such as when someone, lo aleinu, is sitting shivah or experiences great financial loss. (HaMakom yenacheim… and HaMakom yemalei chesronchem.) It is meant as encouragement that we’re not alone. The Eibershter is with us, supporting us.
Rav Mendel mi’Riminov teaches that while it’s always a good time to daven to Hashem, when we say “Vanitzak,” it is an especially auspicious time to cry out.
Dayeinu. Enough said, really.
But as one preemie mom told me, “Thank you, Hashem, for making him so incredibly cute! Yes, we had a very long NICU journey, and I’m constantly shlepping him to various medical appointments and procedures, but he’s delicious.”
RACHTZAH
Urchatz was the first stage of cleansing. Now we’re ready for the next level, an even higher level of sanctity, where we take our new freedom mindset and actualize it. It’s a sign of demarcation, of transition. Following Maggid, we can wash ourselves of slavery, oppression, and negativity, and move on to joy and spirituality.
Of course, it’s easier said than done. But focusing on the positive, the milestones, and the hashgachah moments allows us to breathe freer and feel more elevated.
MOTZI MATZAH
What’s the big deal about a gram? A cc? Or a percent of oxygen? Sometimes the smallest things make the biggest difference.
Harav Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler, zt”l, discusses how the difference between the word chametz ( חמץ ) and the word matzah ( מצה ) is a tiny piece missing. If the foot of the ה would reach the top, it would be a ח. This, says Rav Dessler, indicates that small steps in the right direction can make a tremendous impact. As I often say to my dear preemie moms: Halevei veiter! (It should be that we move forward!)
Harav Gamliel Rabinowitz, shlita, says that matzah stands for “mikol tzarosam hitzilam — He saves them from all their troubles” (Tehillim 34:18).
“B’chol dor vador, chayav adam liros es atzmo k’ilu hu yatza miMitzrayim — In every generation, a person is obligated to experience it as if he, himself, was redeemed from Egypt.” The passuk in Shemos (12:42) says “l’hotziam” and “l’dorosam” — in the future tense. The Kozhnitzer Maggid stresses that in every generation, Hashem takes us out of our personal Mitzrayim, our meitzarim — tight boundaries, troubles, and limited circumstances. Sitting in a NICU cubicle can feel restrictive. Watching a baby within the confines of an isolette can be uncomfortable. Feeling helpless in a medical situation can certainly make us call out “min hameitzar,” and, b’ezras Hashem, “mikol tzarosam hitzilam.”
The Zohar Hakadosh refers to matzah as michla d’asvesa, food of healing. Amein, kein yehi ratzon.
MAROR
We gotta keep that sense of humor in check! Really… maror and humor? Though so many years ago, I vividly recall my husband suggesting that maybe if we’d give our kids some maror through the feeding tube, it would give them a little jolt and remind them to breathe better.
Having emunah and bitachon does not preclude experiencing pain and bitter, hard pills to swallow. In reality, it wouldn’t be a nisayon without it. We know maror… but maror mixed with beets and sugar becomes palatable!
KORECH
How often do we feel sandwiched? Between our children at home and in the hospital, if home, with all the different appointments and therapies, between different medical opinions, and so on — the list is endless. Sometimes trying to fit everything in feels like that Korech sandwich crumbling between your fingers.
Matzah is symbolized as nahama dimeimenusa — bread of emunah. Rav Meilich Biderman, shlita, says that the Tiferes Shlomo (Rav Shlomo Hakohen Rabinowicz mi’Radomsk) explains: When one wraps his maror (his pain and suffering) in matzah (emunah) and believes that everything comes from Hashem and is for the good, this will nullify the maror’s bitterness. Then one can lean while eating in the manner of freedom and royalty.
SHULCHAN ORECH
Make time for self-care! Nourish yourself with delicious Yom Tov dishes. (And if you close your eyes to chap a drimmel, I won’t tell anyone!)
TZAFUN
We’ve only recently come off from a Yom Tov of “haster astir Panei,” Hashem hiding Himself. On Pesach, though, we seemingly discuss all the nissim Hashem did for us publicly. Still, Hashem’s ways remain hidden. Our comprehension is limited. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is to understand that we cannot understand.
BARECH
Rabbi Paysach Krohn, zul zein gezunt, shares an insight on the words in bentching: “lo lidei matnas basar va’dam.” We should never find ourselves in need of a donor for our bodily needs — for example, blood transfusions, which are all too common in preemie life. Something to think about.
HALLEL
“Lo hameisim yehallelu Kah.” Those who are not among the living cannot praise Hashem. The Radak explains, “Ki Ani Hashem Rofecha.” Hashem keeps us alive and provides refuos and yeshuos just to hear Hallel, shiros, and sishbachos from us! Following the whole Maggid discussion of how many makkos there actually were in Mitzrayim — because “kol machalah asher samti b’Mitzrayim lo Asim alecha,” Hashem will not place upon us any of the plagues and illnesses the Mitzriyim experienced on us — He is waiting to hear our shirah.
Praise Hashem for everything! Thank Him for all the brachos he sends us, even the mini preemie-sized successes.
NIRTZAH
ROP Zone 2, Stage 3… 12 mg/dL bilirubin… 21% room air… 8 ml caffeine citrate…
Those who’ve experienced the neonatal ICU could technically compose their own “Echad Mi Yodei’a,” but even with all the preemie experience entails, we return to what is most essential: the Ribbono shel Olam, the Torah, and zechus Avos.
In his Haggadah, Rav Yaakov Meir Shechter, shlita, brings from Rebbe Nachman mi’Breslov that all refuos are encompassed within Shir Hashirim, said at the end of the Seder. What that means exactly, I cannot claim to know, but it is a tremendous segulah for refuos and yeshuos.
“If the kneidlach don’t turn out to be as fluffy as they appear in the magazines, if the pictures of Pesach programs in Dubai look much better than wherever we are, if the little ones fall asleep even before Kadeish, if we don’t have a chance to share our novel dvar Torah — in the end, we all conclude with Nirtzah; we are ratzui, accepted by Hashem, just as we are.” (Rav Judah Mischel)
Mrs. Rifky Amsel is a veteran mechaneches, former principal, and is currently an educational consultant and writer/editor in Lakewood, New Jersey. She is also one of the founders and directors of WeeCare Preemies, a nonprofit organization for families of premature babies.
